Sometimes it's the littlest things

I’m not really one for grand romantic gestures (which is lucky really because neither is Mr Spoonie Foodie!) I mean, if somebody decided to whisk me off on a private jet to a seclude beach with warm water clear waters, a hammock under a tree and a mango shake in hand, I probably wouldn’t say no... but we all know that isn’t real life. But that's irrelevant, it is often the littlest things that really get to me.

When I was younger I went out with a boy for a number of my teenage years. He is, in fact, the only ex that I am still friends with to this day, but that’s another irrelevant fact. One day some of my friends asked me what the most romantic thing he’d ever done for me. My reply was instantaneous, I knew exactly what to say. “The time he picked up lighter fluid for me because he knew my Zippo had run out”. Their jaws dropped. They stared at me disbelieving. “That. Is not. Romantic” they chorused. Maybe not, but even to this day I remember how it made me feel loved. Perhaps you agree with my school friends but it really touched me that he would just think of me like that.

I don’t particularly like asking people for help. I think it is because I so often do need help that I can feel like something of a burden on people, especially those close to me. I know that this is a common feeling of people who suffer from any kind of long term health condition, and it really doesn’t matter how many times people tell me I’m not, I still feel that way. I think that is why little acts of kindness or generosity really touch me. On Thursday I was lucky enough to experience two such acts. But before I tell you about them, I’m afraid I’ll have to set the scene somewhat.

On Wednesday evening I went to dinner at my friend’s house who had held the party over the weekend. I had left my car there after the party as I was definitely not in a fit state to drive it home, with the intention of driving it home after I’d been for dinner. Another fantastic evening was had (all traces of anxiety there are now gone!) and off I went to drive my little motor home. Except when I got to my car I found it unlocked and not working. Cue a slight panic! That’s when I noticed some paperwork on my seat that definitely wasn’t there before. It turns out my alarm had been going “persistently” and the council had been called to turn it off as it had been deemed a nuisance. OK. Except that the paperwork I had been left was left blank, with no contact number and no information on what on earth they had done to the car that left it defunct.

I took a taxi home somewhat shaken and confused. That night in bed, my left leg went mad. I was in agony. It felt like the pain went right to the bone and it didn’t matter what I thought about or what position I was in. Eventually at around 3am I gave in and moved into the little room, took two tramadol and watched rubbish to keep my mind occupied. I think I drifted off at about 7am and slept for four or five hours. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am super sensitive to a lack of sleep (to be honest I’m super sensitive in most respects, I’m like a delicate flower!) When I don’t sleep, I go full on bat-shit. I have NO control over my emotions and my general reaction to most things on those days is just to cry due to a continual feeling of being overwhelmed. So...there I was, having had no sleep, worrying about this noise abatement notice and I had my first physio appointment. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t to go over and over the shitty things in my life. It is as if people don’t read your notes and you have to go over the same stuff again and again and I'm just tired of it. I’m fed up with that other people trying to make it seem like it's okay that I can’t work, or go to see my friends if their 20 minutes down the road and I don't have the money to get a taxi. What I want from her is practical help on how to get my body fitter and stronger, which in the end is actually what I got (after about an hour or so of crying). I really wasn’t in the best mental place to have dealt with talking about all the negative stuff and I left feeling pretty low. When I was waiting for the bus I had those sort of tears that just come out, like the dregs of emotion. It was by no means uncontrollable hysteria, just silent tears behind my sunglasses with the occasional sniffle, when a truly lovely man just turned to me and said ‘Are you ok?’ I actually lied and said it was hayfever but we got chatting and if he knew I’d been lying he certainly didn’t let on. That simple act of kindness totally changed my day. We carried on chatting on the bus until I got off and he totally took my mind off things and put a smile on my face. It turned out he worked for Mind, so whether that made him somewhat more aware of other people’s emotions or whether he was just a nice guy I don’t know, but all I can say to him is Thank You. I find it amazing how often people just ignore what is going on around them. A simple act of offering a few minutes of your time can totally transform someone’s day. Maybe next time you see a mother struggling with a buggy you could offer a hand? Or if like him you see someone crying, just check and see if they are ok. It’s unlikely someone will regale you with their life story, but if they do, you probably won’t ever know what a difference you made by just being there to listen.

The other act of kindness isn’t actually so little. Last year I heard about something called The Depressed Cake Shop. It is an awareness campaign for mental health where local people organise pop up shops selling only grey cakes to raise money and awareness for mental health charities. I’m sure I’ll blog more about it at another time but I got involved with it and as a result have been lucky enough to meet and become friends with Lucy. Lucy writes an incredible blog http://imbakingfree.blogspot.co.uk/ which has been one of my biggest inspirations for setting up The Spoonie Foodie and she continues to inspire me by being so incredibly brave all the time. As soon as we met it felt like we had been friends for years and we didn’t stop chatting. Although it may be due to different circumstances, we have a number of shared life experiences which I think have helped cement this bond, and that’s probably enough gushing for one post! So on Thursday morning, amidst my stress about the car, anxiety about the physio and general over-emotionalness due to lack of sleep I received one of the most thoughtful texts from Lucy. She offered to drive me up to London to see my Grandmother, and even writing about this act of generosity brings tears to my eyes. I am hoping that I will be able to get the train up there to see her, she’s home from hospital now so I won’t have to navigate central London. I did plan on going up there today but that hasn’t happened so I may have to take Lucy up on the offer. Even if I don't, just that fact that she would even think of offering her time and energy to help me like that is the most amazing feeling. Being a spoonie is hard, I try to stay positive but it’s not always possible. Having friends like Lucy in my life makes it a whole lot easier.

It feels like this is the appropriate time to share this blog with my facebook friends. I don't know why I haven't yet, I guess it feels like something of a confessional as opposed to just an semi-objective food blog like I wrote before, but I'll never be helping to end the stigma of disability and mental health if I hide it all away. It does make me a bit anxious, but I've got to learn to deal with that and push myself or I'll never get to London!

To all the people who have ever offered me a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or even just a text of support and love, thank you so much. I’ll never be able to describe how much you all mean to me, I hope you know it though.