So...it’s been a while (she says emerging out of her pit).
I've actually sat down to write quite a few times. I've got
about 4 half written posts sitting on my computer, but none of them felt quite
right.
I have been feeling a bit guilty about leaving the last post
a massive rant, but then I also have to learn not to berate myself over things
like that. I needed to write that post, it did me good, so the last thing I
should do is tell myself off about it (easier to say than do!)
You might have guessed from my absence, but I've not been
doing so well recently.It’s funny isn't it, ones head. It seems to take very little
to completely knock me off course.
So, what’s happened? Well, as you know (because I didn't
shut up about it beforehand) I went on holiday over the summer and it was
wonderful! Taking the wheelchair was by far the best decision we could have
made. I got to do so much! But unfortunately we had an incident 4 days before
the end and I think that is where this funk originated from (though not wholly,
but it must have been the trigger). Long story short my luggage got lost for a
day. We’d just spent about 3 hours on a bus and I was feeling pretty rotten
anyway and we needed to go and spend about 2 hours on a ferry after that, so I
didn't exactly have any reserve spoons in my arsenal. Luckily the luggage did
get returned to me but it meant a 4 hour delay in a busy and hot city of Split.
I know to most people this wouldn't really be a problem. Go shopping, go for a
wander etc, but this totally knocked me for six. I had no energy for shopping
and my mind was consumed with the panic of losing something and the horror of having
to drag myself around a shopping center to replace everything. It kind of
spoilt the rest of the holiday to be honest. I was anxious and didn't sleep
properly and I was in too much pain to really appreciate things.
I thought that would be that, get home from holiday and push
on. But ever since I've been back I've been in a slump.
I let it go for a while, I wasn't massively down or
depressed. I was still taking enjoyment out of life and friends, I wasn't
crying all the time. I thought I was coping.
Then I went to see my therapist.
I should have known it was coming. All the signs were there.
I wasn't crying all the time but I was totally and utterly flat. I wasn't really
cooking, or writing, or baking. I wasn't bothered about seeing my friends, or ‘doing’.
I just was. There were definitely other
contributing factors to this slump. My car finally died, so I am definitely feeling
a bit stranded in general, and I had that awful assessment for the rehab
clinic. I also had my assessment for PIP in September, which was definitely
making me nervous and I just attributed my flat mood to all of these things
along with the change of season.
But then I heard from the rehab clinic. I couldn't quite
believe it but they are actually giving me a shot! In fact, I think they are
doing the most sensible thing possible and I am going in for only one week as
an assessment/test. We will see how I cope with the timetable and hospital
setting etc, before possibly going on to do a full three week course in the
future. I really couldn't have asked for more. They are also putting me in the
(only) two bed ward, so hopefully that will be easier than having to sleep with
7 other people in the room. I couldn't have really asked for more. The
assessment was a horrible experience, but at least they haven’t just totally
written me off/rejected me.
And then a few weeks later I heard the decision on PIP. It
was (and I still can’t quite believe it) good news! I actually had a really
positive experience in my Atos assessment (SHOCK SHOCK HORROR HORROR) and I've
been awarded PIP with no appeal, which I thought that was almost unheard of for
an invisible and variable condition. Now I've got it I can get a new car, and I've
hired a cleaner and even bought a hoover!
But even though the things that I thought were contributing
to the feeling were getting sorted, I was still feeling flat.
So, back to my therapist’s office. Have you guessed that I
had a total meltdown?
I love my therapist, he asked me what my instinct was and my
answer was to run away. Oh god how I wish I could just hop on a plane and fly
somewhere hot and go and run away from everything. And his advice? Do it! But
on a smaller scale to my grand ideas of leaving everything behind, and so two
weeks ago I ran away for 3 days to a health retreat in Surrey. I had three days
of absolute peace, I didn't have to think about anything. All meals were
provided, I swam, I steamed and saunaed (totally a word) and had various
treatments. I definitely got head space. And now I’m back.
If i’m honest, it didn't really do what I wanted it to. It
was amazing and my skin is better for the facial and my body is better from the
massage and exercise I got, but my head still doesn't feel screwed on right.
I've been massively anxious recently, having panic attacks
much more often than normal and over very little. But I have got more things sorted.
I have got a new car through the Motability scheme which will arrive in
December, and I've been trying to keep on top of things like paperwork. I've
got a cleaner to help with the house, and I even went out last weekend without Mr
SF and with my wheelchair, and my friends were (of course) just amazing about
it.
That’s about it really. I do feel better than when I had a
meltdown in the therapist’s office, but I’m definitely still not right.
So please, bear with me whilst I struggle a bit, I just need to find my mojo.
