So I'm just going to brush over the fact that I disappeared for a few months. A lot happened in the time and I can't really be bothered to go into it but one thing you do need to know is that I became single in this period (and um...not single again.)
And thus I entered the modern dating world as someone with a disability, with definitely more complications than when I was last single (4 years ago) and now using a wheelchair on a regular basis.
I downloaded a dating app (no, not tinder) and started writing the blurb about myself (constantly on whatsapp getting my friend to check through everything, thanks Steph!) when I realised I had to make a decision. Do I write about being disabled or not? I didn't want to go on about it, but I thought it would make it so much harder to explain later down the line if I didn't even mention it. So I decided to say that I was a part-time wheelchair user. That was all, no sob story or gory details, just the fact that I use a wheelchair. If that puts someone off then I don't want to meet them anyway.
Now of course, people asked questions about it. So again I had to make the decision of how much to divulge, the last thing I want from somebody who I'm thinking about dating is for them to feel sorry for me, to pity me. I made the decision to be totally honest about my condition, but without any of the emotion involved. I explained I had to use a wheelchair because I have a condition that causes pain and fatigue, with the (not so) occasional dislocation. I tried not to go on about it, but explain my issues and to be as matter as fact as possible. And you know what? I'm so bloody pleased I did warn people. It meant when I got tired after less than 2 hours in the pub, my date understood that I had to go home.
More importantly it means that my new boyfriend didn't seem too phased when I had to spend our first morning together lying down because my blood pressure was non existent and I couldn't even sit up without feeling like I would be sick or faint (Or when he woke up to me crying in pain in the middle of the night, or even when I asked for a smaller glass of water because I find it difficult to hold a pint glass). I explained what was happening and we spent the morning with me lying down with my legs up (no, not like that!) chatting away. It was a bloody brilliant. Even though I felt like crap half the time, I vomited and I did apologise profusely, I felt pretty secure in the fact that he knew what he was getting in for. And if that's not a baptism of fire I don't know what is!
I'm a pretty open person (shocking really considering I write a public blog about some of the hardest things in my life!) but I can't imagine trying to hide my disabilities. It is something that affects every part of my life.
Opening yourself up in the dating world is hard. I'm not a game player, but of course I understand that there are times when we need to hold back a bit. I just don't think something as big as being disabled should be one of those things.
With hundreds of people now available at the touch of your phone screen, the dating world has definitely changed. It's so easy to think that someone better is just a swipe away. This makes opening up about a disability even harder, what if that's the reason somebody doesn't start talking to me? Well to be honest, to those people I say (and excuse my language but I do think it's most appropriate) Fuck You. It's hard enough learning to accept your own disability, you definitely don't need to have to counsel somebody else about it too. The last thing anybody needs from a relationship is to have their awareness of their limitations heightened by somebody else's inability to empathize.
So the conclusion to this blog post?
I say be loud and proud about your disabilities. They have helped to shape the person you are now, they are an intrinsic part of you for which you do not need to apologize (which I know is much easier said than done). I'm not saying use a hospital photo as your profile picture, but don't hide a part of you that affects your every day. Tell someone if a country walk is out of your reach, or that you can only meet for an hour because you get too tired. Explain that you can get anxious and maybe a busy environment isn't the best for you. Or you know, spend your first morning together unable to stand or even sit up! This is your life, the good ones will be fine with it.
