Strawberries, strawberries everywhere, and I want to EAT THEM ALL!

Seriously, I love strawberries. I love the teeny wee wild strawberries that grow like weeds in the gardens and I love big ones. We are definitely a nation with a love affair for strawberries; where else is strawberries and cream such a celebrated dish? However, something I don’t like is strawberry jam. Well to be more accurate I don’t actually like any cooked fruit in sweet things and jam definitely has the taste of cooked fruit. So, what am I to do when strawberries are on a really cheap offer and I can’t eat them all before they go off? Well, make strawberry curd of course!

I first started looking into the idea of curds when I was planning my sister’s wedding cake. I wanted to do something along the lines of a Victoria sponge but with a bit of a twist. As I don’t like jam that was off the table- I made everything from scratch and I know there is very little point in me making something I don’t like because it is much harder to tell when you’ve got it right. I could of course just put fresh berries in the centre, but it just felt a bit dated and done. After a bit of hunting I found that you can make a curd with many more fruits than just lemon. Now, I hadn’t ever actually made any kind of curd or even tried one before I first attempted this pink treat. I think it’s because I associate curd with lemons and I don’t generally like sweet lemon things (ok, so maybe I am a little fussy!)So I found a recipe (this is the original one http://www.lavenderandlovage.com/2013/04/studio-pottery-baguette-and-fresh-strawberry-curd-recipe.html) and I followed it. Once I tried it I knew I’d never go back! It has the taste of fresh strawberries, with a creamy, buttery texture. Quite simply it is DELICIOUS! Mr Spoonie Foodie says he doesn’t like curds, but I really can’t understand why! I found the original recipe a bit too sweet (well, quite a bit too sweet as I cut 1/3 of the sugar and it is more than sweet enough) and I felt like lime would be a better flavour lifter than the orange that she used.

Then of course, I had to do something with the curd – I can’t just have it sitting in the fridge and tempting me. I didn’t fancy the hassle of making a large cake so I decided to keep it nice and simple. Vanilla cupcakes with a whipped cream topping and a drizzle of strawberry curd on the top. I’m not going to lie, for a simple cake they were pretty spectacular! This recipe is the base for pretty much all of my cakes. You can use medium or large eggs but try to use eggs that are around 60g in their shells – either large medium eggs or small large eggs! I often don’t use vanilla in my cakes but i felt like it would really compliment the flavour of the cream and curd. Also, I have started to use the sexiest ever vanilla. It’s vanilla bean paste, it contains the vanilla beans as well as the extract and it is just phenomenal. I’ve never had vanilla flavour like it without forking out on pods. It makes fantastic ice cream too. It is very strong and although the bottle says you can use like for like with normal extract I find it extremely overpowering and tend to use half or even less than it states for extract in a recipe.

The colour of your curd is going to depend on the colour of your strawberries, but don’t be afraid to use ones you’d otherwise throw away (cut off any really mushy bits though). The process of thickening the curd takes quite a long time and will be dictated by the water content in the fruit, but with a little patience comes great reward!

Strawberry Curd

250g fresh strawberries

200g sugar

125g butter

4 eggs

1 lemon

1 lime

Wipe any dirt away from the strawberries and chop off the leaves and stem. Put them into a blender and blend whilst you prepare the rest of the ingredients.

Zest and juice the lemon and lime into a heatproof mixing bowl. Add the sugar and the butter cut up into cubes.

Break the eggs into a separate bowl and beat them well.

Put a small amount of water into a pan (that you can fit the bowl on top of) and put on to simmer.

By now your strawberries should be completely blended and you shouldn’t be able to see any pips. If you can see pips still you can always strain them out, but I don’t find that it’s necessary (and neither did Karen from lavender and lovage so I feel ok about that!)

Add the pureed strawberries to the mixing bowl and set it on top of the pan of simmering water. Make sure that the water doesn’t touch the bottom of the bowl, as this will cook it too quickly. Mix everything together and add the eggs.

Keep stirring everything as the butter melts and the curd thickens, make sure the water is still just simmering underneath or you will cook the eggs *. You want the curd to be able to thickly coat the back of your spoon, I find this takes at least 20 minutes and has taken longer, so don’t be discouraged.

When ready, pour into sterilised jars and allow to cool before sealing with a clean lid (or just cling film).

This recipe makes the perfect amount to fit in two bonne maman jam jars

*If you are a little enthusiastic in the cooking stage and find that you have small lumps of scrambled eggs in your curd do as the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy tells you, DONT PANIC! Just strain the curd through a sieve and voila! Disaster averted.

Vanilla Cupcakes

120g self raising flour

120g butter (at room temperature)

120g sugar

2 eggs (at room temp)

½ teaspoon vanilla bean paste

If you are anything like me and rarely organised enough to take the butter and eggs out of the fridge in time, then I have two little tricks. For the eggs, fill up a bowl/jug warm (not hot) water and let the eggs soak for 5 minutes. Hold them in your hand for a minute after you take them out the water to feel if they’ve warmed up enough. For the butter, weigh it then grate it straight into the mixing bowl. It’ll be soft and distribute itself easily.

Preheat the oven to 180C and line a cupcake tray with paper cases*

Cream together the butter and sugar and vanilla until it is pale and fluffy. In my kitchenaid it takes about 5 minutes, more is more at this point!

Break the eggs into a bowl/jug/mug and beat them with a fork.

Add the eggs in three stages, beating them in fully before adding the next bit.

Sift the flour into the bowl and fold it in until it is JUST mixed in. Any more will develop the gluten and result in a chewy cake.

*aren’t these ones just gorgeous! I absolutely love the way they look but they’ve taken a bit of playing with to get them right. Unfortunately, despite what they might tell you they are definitely not greaseproof or non stick. What I do is line them with normal cupcake cases (in a light colour) pushing the case all the way to the edge and bottom. This way the cake is easy to get out without losing half of it to the case and they don’t look all greasy when they are cooked.

To finish the cakes off I just whipped up some cream until it reached the soft peak stage, no sugar because the sweetness of the vanilla and the strawberry curd is more than enough, and then smeared that on top and drizzled with strawberry curd. Unfortunately these will only last an hour or two before the cream weeps so they really can only be assembled just before serving. Doesn't take long though!

I'd love to hear what you think about the recipes, do let me know how you get on if you try them. 

Sometimes it's the littlest things

I’m not really one for grand romantic gestures (which is lucky really because neither is Mr Spoonie Foodie!) I mean, if somebody decided to whisk me off on a private jet to a seclude beach with warm water clear waters, a hammock under a tree and a mango shake in hand, I probably wouldn’t say no... but we all know that isn’t real life. But that's irrelevant, it is often the littlest things that really get to me.

When I was younger I went out with a boy for a number of my teenage years. He is, in fact, the only ex that I am still friends with to this day, but that’s another irrelevant fact. One day some of my friends asked me what the most romantic thing he’d ever done for me. My reply was instantaneous, I knew exactly what to say. “The time he picked up lighter fluid for me because he knew my Zippo had run out”. Their jaws dropped. They stared at me disbelieving. “That. Is not. Romantic” they chorused. Maybe not, but even to this day I remember how it made me feel loved. Perhaps you agree with my school friends but it really touched me that he would just think of me like that.

I don’t particularly like asking people for help. I think it is because I so often do need help that I can feel like something of a burden on people, especially those close to me. I know that this is a common feeling of people who suffer from any kind of long term health condition, and it really doesn’t matter how many times people tell me I’m not, I still feel that way. I think that is why little acts of kindness or generosity really touch me. On Thursday I was lucky enough to experience two such acts. But before I tell you about them, I’m afraid I’ll have to set the scene somewhat.

On Wednesday evening I went to dinner at my friend’s house who had held the party over the weekend. I had left my car there after the party as I was definitely not in a fit state to drive it home, with the intention of driving it home after I’d been for dinner. Another fantastic evening was had (all traces of anxiety there are now gone!) and off I went to drive my little motor home. Except when I got to my car I found it unlocked and not working. Cue a slight panic! That’s when I noticed some paperwork on my seat that definitely wasn’t there before. It turns out my alarm had been going “persistently” and the council had been called to turn it off as it had been deemed a nuisance. OK. Except that the paperwork I had been left was left blank, with no contact number and no information on what on earth they had done to the car that left it defunct.

I took a taxi home somewhat shaken and confused. That night in bed, my left leg went mad. I was in agony. It felt like the pain went right to the bone and it didn’t matter what I thought about or what position I was in. Eventually at around 3am I gave in and moved into the little room, took two tramadol and watched rubbish to keep my mind occupied. I think I drifted off at about 7am and slept for four or five hours. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am super sensitive to a lack of sleep (to be honest I’m super sensitive in most respects, I’m like a delicate flower!) When I don’t sleep, I go full on bat-shit. I have NO control over my emotions and my general reaction to most things on those days is just to cry due to a continual feeling of being overwhelmed. So...there I was, having had no sleep, worrying about this noise abatement notice and I had my first physio appointment. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t to go over and over the shitty things in my life. It is as if people don’t read your notes and you have to go over the same stuff again and again and I'm just tired of it. I’m fed up with that other people trying to make it seem like it's okay that I can’t work, or go to see my friends if their 20 minutes down the road and I don't have the money to get a taxi. What I want from her is practical help on how to get my body fitter and stronger, which in the end is actually what I got (after about an hour or so of crying). I really wasn’t in the best mental place to have dealt with talking about all the negative stuff and I left feeling pretty low. When I was waiting for the bus I had those sort of tears that just come out, like the dregs of emotion. It was by no means uncontrollable hysteria, just silent tears behind my sunglasses with the occasional sniffle, when a truly lovely man just turned to me and said ‘Are you ok?’ I actually lied and said it was hayfever but we got chatting and if he knew I’d been lying he certainly didn’t let on. That simple act of kindness totally changed my day. We carried on chatting on the bus until I got off and he totally took my mind off things and put a smile on my face. It turned out he worked for Mind, so whether that made him somewhat more aware of other people’s emotions or whether he was just a nice guy I don’t know, but all I can say to him is Thank You. I find it amazing how often people just ignore what is going on around them. A simple act of offering a few minutes of your time can totally transform someone’s day. Maybe next time you see a mother struggling with a buggy you could offer a hand? Or if like him you see someone crying, just check and see if they are ok. It’s unlikely someone will regale you with their life story, but if they do, you probably won’t ever know what a difference you made by just being there to listen.

The other act of kindness isn’t actually so little. Last year I heard about something called The Depressed Cake Shop. It is an awareness campaign for mental health where local people organise pop up shops selling only grey cakes to raise money and awareness for mental health charities. I’m sure I’ll blog more about it at another time but I got involved with it and as a result have been lucky enough to meet and become friends with Lucy. Lucy writes an incredible blog http://imbakingfree.blogspot.co.uk/ which has been one of my biggest inspirations for setting up The Spoonie Foodie and she continues to inspire me by being so incredibly brave all the time. As soon as we met it felt like we had been friends for years and we didn’t stop chatting. Although it may be due to different circumstances, we have a number of shared life experiences which I think have helped cement this bond, and that’s probably enough gushing for one post! So on Thursday morning, amidst my stress about the car, anxiety about the physio and general over-emotionalness due to lack of sleep I received one of the most thoughtful texts from Lucy. She offered to drive me up to London to see my Grandmother, and even writing about this act of generosity brings tears to my eyes. I am hoping that I will be able to get the train up there to see her, she’s home from hospital now so I won’t have to navigate central London. I did plan on going up there today but that hasn’t happened so I may have to take Lucy up on the offer. Even if I don't, just that fact that she would even think of offering her time and energy to help me like that is the most amazing feeling. Being a spoonie is hard, I try to stay positive but it’s not always possible. Having friends like Lucy in my life makes it a whole lot easier.

It feels like this is the appropriate time to share this blog with my facebook friends. I don't know why I haven't yet, I guess it feels like something of a confessional as opposed to just an semi-objective food blog like I wrote before, but I'll never be helping to end the stigma of disability and mental health if I hide it all away. It does make me a bit anxious, but I've got to learn to deal with that and push myself or I'll never get to London!

To all the people who have ever offered me a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or even just a text of support and love, thank you so much. I’ll never be able to describe how much you all mean to me, I hope you know it though. 

Paranoia, steak and limitations

I love this quote by Joseph Heller from Catch 22

I’ve had such a lovely weekend. The weather has been fabulous so I’ve spent much of it just lying on a beanbag in my patio soaking in the sun. I’m low on vitamin D so it’s basically therapy! Anyway, as well as that I went to my friend’s house party on Friday night. It was a group of people the majority of whom I had never met before and as Mr SF was away for the weekend leading a Duke of Edinburgh expedition I was going stag. But I was really determined to get there, I hadn’t seen my friend in months and most of her friends that I have met before have been lovely. So during the week I let her know that I’ve been having some issues with anxiety recently, we arranged for me to go a bit early to meet her house mates and settle in before the crowds arrived. I did, and I’m so pleased. I had a lovely evening, got on really well with everyone I met and even ended up being pretty much the last to leave. Her house mates all insisted I must come back and hang with them again. Fab. And yet, I have spent much of Saturday and Sunday worrying about things that I said. Did I talk too much about being ill? Did I make a fool of myself? I don’t have a bad memory when it comes to drinking so I actually remember the evening pretty clearly and I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but if I did embarrass myself somewhat...so what? What’s the worst that could have happened? I didn’t get asked to leave the party, in fact I was invited back and I was polite and sent a thank you text afterwards. So really, I’m obsessing over nothing! And I do this all the time! It’s so ridiculous I’m practically laughing at myself as I type this post. It feels like this is a very mild form of paranoia, and I often doubt myself that I have behaved ‘normally’, particularly around new people. But is this kind of paranoia actually just anxiety in reverse? Instead of worrying about what might happen, I worry about what has happened. I should point out this isn’t something that happens with my close friends, with them I know that I’ve got a relationship where I could just ask them outright and they’ll be perfectly honest with me (and most of the time laugh at my ridiculousness with me!)

Anyway, despite this worry I have had a wonderful weekend. On Saturday I actually made it out the house to have a wander through Kemptown Carnival despite not getting home until a ridiculous hour after sunrise and I had an amazing steak sandwich from the Beach BBQ people. They cook a whole joint sous vide (meaning under pressure), the meat is vacuum packed and cooked in a temperature controlled water bath at 52 and a half degrees overnight, which ensures a perfect medium rare joint that is meltingly tender. They char-grill the outside, slice it, char it on a grill a second time and serve it in a soft bun with horseradish and mushroom ketchup, parsley porridge and rocket. I’ve got to say, it was delicious! At first I thought the portion size of meat was a little meagre, but I am more than happy to say I was oh so wrong on that front. I’m afraid I didn’t get a photograph because my brain wasn’t working nearly well enough to think about something as sensible as that, but head on over to their twitter feed/website and you’ll see plenty. The flavours all came through just enough to complement the meat and not overpower it (easily done with strong flavours like horseradish). At £7 it wasn’t exactly a cheap eat and is at the very top end of what I deem to be acceptable for street food (I appreciate it does seem like a lot for what is essentially a sandwich) but when you bite into the meat you don’t regret the spending one bit. Plus they are really friendly and will happily give you a free taster of the meat to entice you in. A definite must-try for any steak fan.

Sunday saw more sunbathing and the return of Mr Spoonie Foodie sun burnt, tired and in need of cuddles. I definitely wasn’t complaining.

I didn’t make it up to London last week...I know that a huge part of this is a mental block, but I’m genuinely worried about the physical side of it too. There is a fair bit of walking involved in just getting around the stations and then I’ve got to be compos mentis enough to spend some quality time with my Grandmother. She’s out of HDU now and is meant to be heading home this week, but I know that time is running out. I definitely don’t have the energy to drive myself to North London and I’m not sure that my rickety old banger would actually get there in one piece! I know I have to get there...I just don’t quite know how I’m going to do it. I’ve got my first physiotherapy session on Thursday, hopefully an exercise program can help me gain some strength back and then the physical side of the journey won’t be quite so daunting. There are times where I’ve considered some kind of mobility aid, be it a wheel chair or...well who knows what, but I’m definitely not ready for that. It’s somewhat ironic because a wheelchair would enable Mr SF and me to do so much more stuff together, but I think we both just see the 'disabled-ness' of it (is that irony? I think it is, but I'm never quite sure!) I guess we both like hiding behind the fact that I don’t look any different, it means we don’t have to deal with a lot of the stigma attached to disability.

I think I’m finally going to make the official announcement on Charley’s Little Kitchen website that I am unable to run classes at the moment. I’ve put off doing this for quite a while, but I think it is time. Setting up a business has been an amazing experience. I’ve been able to combine two of my passions in life - cooking and working with children, whilst doing something that I fundamentally believe is essential to the future health of society. Not only that, but I actually made something of a success of it. We have kids that ask their parents to come back to our holiday clubs and parents that have sent the most wonderful feedback. I’ve also got to meet my helper Vicky who is now a true friend and I’ve been able to run stands at the children’s food festival for the last 3 festivals. I’m not giving up on Charley’s Little Kitchen and we are booked to return to the children’s food festival in September, but at the moment I know I don’t have the emotional or physical strength to be running events. As anybody who works with children will know, it is a physically demanding job. I was running workshops from 10 until 3 during the school holidays and even when I was doing ok physically, it would exhaust me for days afterwards. I was also finding the workshops more and more stressful. Although I always felt amazingly proud of myself once the workshops were over, I was putting myself under more and more emotional pressure in the run up to them and this inevitably triggered more physical pain. Obviously I can’t continue to do this to myself when my physical condition has worsened. I have to learn to accept my limitations, one day I’ll work it all out.

There’s a quote by Gunther Von Hagens (he's the guy who preserves bodies in tact and shows them without their skin etc) that I think I’ll leave you with. It really speaks to me...

Comfort Zones

Mental illness sucks. It eats away at you without you realising. It takes away your desire to push yourself and makes you want to stay within your safe little cocoon you have unknowingly created. And it seems unbelievable that this can happen without your knowledge, but you make excuses for not going out or seeing someone, you tell yourself it’s ok this time. And maybe that time it is ok, because you are in pain or have a fever. But it’s not ok when you haven’t left your house for a week. And it’s not ok that you get anxious before answering the phone. And it is not ok that I couldn’t get on the train to go to London today.

My grandmother is sick. She has cancer, of multiple organs. Then her hip broke when she was walking around her flat and she had a heart attack whilst having the operation to fix it. So all in all, she’s pretty fucking sick. And all I had to do was get from my house to the station, get on a train and see her in hospital. It also happened to be my mum’s birthday today and it just seemed an appropriate time. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t even leave my house. I didn’t feel that physically unwell today, but once I got out the shower I suddenly felt really exhausted, which then sparked off the thought that what on earth would I do if I felt like that in the middle of Victoria Station? What if I fainted? Or had a panic attack? What if there was nowhere to sit? What if I couldn’t get myself around? Or if I struggled with the stairs*? I’m terrified of the idea of being stranded. And then the whole idea of London was just too much. I often find it quite difficult being in crowded and noisy places, I find it quite tiring just trying to focus on my task and blocking out the visual and audio stimuli. So I didn’t go. And on one level I don’t feel that bad about it and I tell myself it is ok, but it feels like somewhere deep inside of me that old ‘me’ is screaming that THIS IS NOT OK!

My doctor says that this is the sort of thing that the rehabilitation clinic can really help me with. This is a three week residential pain management program where you work with an interdisciplinary team of physio-, occupational, phsycho- and many more types of therapists to improve the quality of your life. However, unsurprisingly there is a high demand and low availability for this service on the NHS and I have been parked on a stationary waiting list since August. I only recently found out that the waiting has actually been closed since I was put on it as it was longer than the 25 week maximum. So I’m in limbo.

I feel ok. That is, I feel absolutely fine so long as I don’t think about ‘things’. You know... life... money...career... those kind of minor things. And so long as I don’t try and do anything that is too far outside my comfort zone, like get a train to London. Both my doctor and my therapist say that’s not so ok, but I think that it’s so much better than when I was just crying all the time we’ve got to take our victories where we can! I’ve been having a really nice week or so. I’ve seen Mr SF and had a couple of friends over for afternoons/evenings of chatting, cooking and eating (and sometimes watching giant panda cam!)Today I have FINALLY updated the blog (and in case you wonder why I've posted twice in one day, I've had a few posts half finished including the lemon cake for the past week or so, but have been distracted by various things. So expect a few more in quick succession if things go as planned) I guess I don’t think it is such a bad thing to live within my comfort zone, but I do think it’s pretty shitty I didn’t make it up to London today. I’m hoping to get there tomorrow because I want to see my Grandma and I’ve made a little something for my mother’s birthday.

As she hasn’t yet received it I don’t want to give it away, but I’ll give you a component and a little recipe.

Salted Caramel Sauce

I cannot get enough of this stuff. The sticky sweetness contrasts so beautifully with the flakes of sea salt. I could eat it with a spoon from the jar...it may have occurred once or twice before... Also I tried to take a photograph of the process and managed to burn my caramel - don’t take your eye of it for a second!

200g sugar

90g unsalted butter** cut into pieces

120ml double cream

1 – 2 teaspoons Maldon sea salt or fleur de sel

Place the sugar in the heavy based saucepan. On a medium heat, stir the sugar until it has melted. Once it has melted take off the heat and stir in the butter until it all melted and fully combined. You might have to stir quite vigorously.

Put it back on a low heat and very slowly, whilst stirring, pour in the cream in a continuous stream until it is all combined. Be careful as the temperature difference between the cream and the caramel will cause it to bubble up and possibly splutter.

Allow to bubble for about a minute before taking off the heat. Stir in ½ a teaspoon of salt and allow to cool slightly. Once somewhat cooler, taste and adjust the salt to as you prefer.

*Mr Spoonie Foodie and I have a great technique to tackle stairs when we are together, particularly the ones coming up from Brighton beach. He goes behind me and lifts/pushes me up from my bum whilst I just move my legs! Still painful but much less effort and it really does work surprisingly well.

** I’ve always been told that salt can hide the taste or poor quality butter, also by using unsalted you can adjust the salt content to your preference. 

A Thank You Cake

It still irritates me that he cut that slice unevenly and that I didn't then correct it!

So the last few weeks, well... my birthday happened. I’m not sure what occurred but after publishing that last blog post and feeling fairly on top of my feelings, I freaked out when I couldn’t sleep because of pain and my head went a little crazy. I find night time a bit scary to be honest (I know I sound like a child but bear with me), well not night time per say but bed time (and yes, the childlike theme continues!) I’ve always had trouble sleeping as far back as I can remember, it has always taken me quite a long time to switch off and relax. I remember waking up with migraines in the middle of the night from when I was quite young before the body pain set in. Now I find it really hard to sleep because once all the lights, noises and distractions are gone, often all I can think about is the pain or discomfort. I have dreams of being in pain and continuously crying. Add to that the fact that waking up and morning time is the worst time for my pain and I rarely wake up actually feeling like I’ve had a full night’s sleep and I think you may understand more why I don’t like going to bed. But anyway, I digress...so my birthday. Well I wasn’t feeling too hot on the day, but Mr Spoonie Foodie had the day off, my parents were coming down and we were going out for lunch so I wanted to have a good day, but there I was...crying. And what’s worse, is I just didn’t know what I was crying about. I kept it together whilst my parents were here and had quite a nice day, but as soon as they went the floodgates opened again. My poor man. However, tears were dried, planet of the apes was watched (a surprisingly good film, but then of course I’d love it – SO MANY FURRIES!) and Mr SF was his wonderful supportive self. And after a very long introduction, that’s actually what this post is about. Luckily that day was just a blip and that feeling hasn’t stayed with me continually, but he has. The blips happen fairly regularly in varying degrees, and I don’t remember the last week where I didn’t cry in his arms at least once. 

It can’t be easy being the significant other to a spoonie and I think it’s even harder for him than most. When they say opposites attract, they must have been talking about us. He is definitely lacking in empathy and is pretty utilitarian in his world view, I’m not being critical or harsh (don’t worry, he shows me love in so many ways so I’m not trying to make him out to be a monster), it is just true. He believes everybody should be a bit more selfish and care much less about other people’s feeling and emotions and then we’d all get on better. So it really is amazing that he has stayed with someone like me. Firstly, I’m very empathetic, to a point of fault. My emotions are very much worn on my sleeve and I am not very (read at all!) good at controlling or hiding them. Secondly I’m ill, both physically and mentally. I have weeks where I can’t leave the house and even on a good day my activity tolerance is very low. You have to have empathy to be able to cope with me in your life, otherwise my cancellations, mood swings and anxiety (I’m sure I could go on) would drive you mad. And yet, here is my un-empathetic, utilitarian man, going against everything he accepts as true to stay with me. He puts up with my mood swings, tears, depression and anger, and (most of the time) pretty quietly. So I decided to make him a cake. And not just any cake, but a miniature cake of lemony goodness topped with more and more citrusy lemon flavour, and something sparkly to show that it’s special. His favourite cake is lemon drizzle cake, but that wasn’t the look I was after, so he’ll just have to deal with this!

The recipe for the cake is based on Nigella Lawson’s  lemon drizzle cake, except instead of baking it in a loaf tin I divided it between two 4.5 inch spring form tins and I left out the drizzle. I also added extra lemon zest to the batter as I wasn’t going to be dousing it in a lemon syrup.

In an ideal world I would sandwich it with cream and lemon curd, but the boy doesn’t like lemon curd, so this would seem to defeat the object, thus it is both filled and covered in lemon Swiss meringue buttercream (SMB). If you haven’t had SMB before then try to imagine the lightest, silkiest, sexiest icing imaginable. And I bet it is better than that. It isn’t nearly as sweet as conventional buttercream, but is lighter and yet so much more indulgent. When I made my sister her engagement cake she made me promise that this icing would be all over her wedding cake! Swiss meringue buttercream requires a few gadgets. You really need to use a sugar thermometer to make the meringue, this will ensure it is safe to eat and also holds properly, and then it requires whisking for about 10 minutes, and that’s using a kitchenaid! If you haven’t made it before, I would highly recommend reading Sweetapolita’s blog post before embarking upon it, I have adapted her recipe for this cake.

And without further ado...let’s get started!

Lemon Cake

125 g unsalted butter
175 g caster sugar
2 large eggs
zest of 1 ½ lemons
175 g self raising flour
pinch of salt
60ml milk

Butter your tins and line the base with greaseproof paper.

Cream together the butter and sugar until very pale and fluffy. At this point it is difficult to over mix it so definitely err on the side of extra mixing. In my kitchenaid this takes about 5 minutes on a medium high speed.

Break the eggs into a bowl or jug with the lemon zest and mix it all up. Add about third mixture into the butter and sugar, and beat until well combined before adding the next third.

Once you’ve added the eggs and mixed it all on high until completely incorporated and the mix is quite thick again, Sift in the flour and add the milk. Fold by hand (or use the lowest speed on a stand mixer) until everything is JUST combined.

Divide mixture between the baking tins and cook in the oven for 25-30 minutes, or until well risen, golden and springs back to the touch (or stick a skewer in, if any mix comes out stuck to it then you know you need to put it back in the oven).

Set aside to cool.

Lemon Swiss Meringue Buttercream

150g egg whites from 4 medium eggs

250g sugar (you can use granulated for this)

340g butter (take it out of the fridge when you start whipping the meringue)

Juice of one lemon

This amount makes more than enough to fill and top the cake, with some left over. It freezes though so that shouldn’t be a problem.

It is definitely worth weighing the eggs as you may have slightly smaller medium eggs than I do. 

You want to make sure the equipment you are using is completely free of grease, to do squeeze some lemon juice onto a piece of kitchen roll and wipe over all the equipment you are going to use

-        Heatproof bowl (the bowl of the mixer is fine)

-        Whisk x 2 (hand and electric)

-        Thermometer

Put an inch of water in a pan and set it on a low heat to simmer (you don’t want it boiling).

Separate your eggs (keep the yolks for ice cream!) and put the whites and sugar into the grease free heatproof bowl. Place this on the pan making sure that the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl.

Whisking the mixture to ensure it doesn’t cook (you definitely don’t want scrambled eggs) heat the whites and sugar mixture until it reaches 71 C (160F). You don’t have to constantly whisk or try to add any air in at this stage, that will be done once it is off the heat, just enough to keep the mixture from cooking. If you don’t have a thermometer you can use the sugar as a guide. At the right temperature you shouldn’t be able to feel any grains of sugar in the mixture.

At 71 C, take the bowl off the heat and put it back on the stand mixer (or just on a heatproof surface if you are using an electric whisk). With the wire whisk, whip the meringue until it is thick and glossy and the bowl is completely cool to the touch. As with all of these things, start slow and build up your speed. I usually start on 2 and gradually build up to the highest speed. This can take up to 10 or 15 minutes, and if you have the glass bowl like I do then it takes even longer for it all to get neutral to the touch.

Once it is thick and glossy and cool you have made Swiss meringue! Congratulations. Treat yourself and have a spoonful of the stuff, it is delicious! Because it was cooked before whipping it up, it is fine to eat. Now, once you’ve finished dancing your little dance of glee, cut the butter up into cubes.

Switch the whisk for the flat beater/paddle attachment and starting on a low speed add the butter in cube by cube. Don’t worry if it looks like it has split or curdled (I’ll refer you once again to Sweetapolita's amazing blog post), just keep going.

Once all the butter is in, turn the speed up a notch and mix until it is completely silky and smooth. Once silky add the lemon juice a tablespoon at a time, tasting as you go, until it is lemony enough.

Home made sprinkles

You might be able to see I added lemon rind to this batch, but I ended up needing so much more that you couldn't tell!

I wanted this to be a perfectly lemon yellow cake. My original plan was to have yellow icing with some details using the sprinkles. Unfortunately, my yellow colours were just not working and were making my icing a ridiculous colour. So I settled on covering the whole thing in a yellow shimmer sugar. I can’t say this adds anything to the flavour, but it does look pretty! I actually ended up using the colour ‘old gold’ instead of my yellow as my yellow was coming out decidedly orange.

Granulated sugar

Yellow food gel colour

Pop some sugar into a ziplock bag. Dip the end of a teaspoon into your colour and then smoosh (shh spell check, that should definitely be a word!) the colour into the sugar. Close the bag and squish and stir everything about inside to distribute the colour. Once it is the colour you want, lay it out on a plate to dry off a bit before using.

Assembly

Once you are ready to do the top, use strips of parchment paper to keep the stand/board clean. You can just slip them out once you are done.

You’ll need 2 cake boards that are the same size or slightly smaller than your cake for this. I tend to use whatever bit of cardboard i have lying around, cut it into shape and then cover with foil/clingfilm.

Trim any domes or bumps of the top of the cakes to give you a flat surface and then cut each one in half. A serrated knife works best for this, I use my bread knife.

Get another bowl. This is to scrape your palette knife on so that you don't get crumbs in the main bowl of icing. DON'T GET CRUMBS IN THE BIG BOWL OF ICING! And now that we've got that over...

Pop a splodge of icing on the cake board and then pop your bottom layer on it. This should actually be the top half of one of the cakes upside down, so that once stacked you end up with the bottom of the cake on the top. Stack and fill the cake as evenly as you can and then cover the cake in a crumb coat. This is just a thin layer of icing that is sticks all the crumbs onto the cake so when you put the actual icing on it stays neat and tidy. Put the cake in the fridge for a minute and reward yourself with a glass of wine and a sit down.

Once the crumb coat has set (touch it and see how hard it is) cover the sides in your final layer of icing (don’t do the top yet). If you are sensible you should really remember to leave extra rim of icing at the top, I didn’t and thus made my life much harder than it needed to be! Back in the fridge it goes to harden up slightly (just 5 or 10 minutes will be enough).

Pour your home made sprinkles (look at you, you domestic goddess, or god, we’re non-discriminatory here) into a baking tray that is long enough and wide enough for you to roll your cake back and forth in.

Place your second board on top of the cake, then lay it on its side in the baking tray and roll back and forth in the sprinkles to cover.

Put it the right way up again and take the board off the top. Splodge (oh i do love that word) some more icing on the top and smooth out. This is where that little rim of icing comes in handy because you can smooth that inwards and not have to fiddle about like i did trying to fill in the edges! Once the top is smooth, guess what? It goes back in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up.

Once hardened slightly, pour the sprinkles over the top, gently brushing/tapping the excess away. And voila! A sparkly lemony cake, fit for a thank you!