My Spoonie Suppers

This post is a long time in the making. Pretty much since I first started the blog I've had this post in mind, so it's high time I got down and dirty with it really. 

I would love to be able to create elaborate meals every night of the week, but nobody (let alone us spoonies) has limitless time and energy. We all need an arsenal of meals we can make with no reserves in either the house or your body. Here's where my spoonie suppers come in.

Now of course we could all just eat a pack of crisps or another slice of toast, pop something in the oven or just call for a take away, but that's not actually going to help. When you are out of spoons is the most important time to be getting nutrients and goodness into your body. 

I won't go into the boring details of my new diet but that really is essentially it - I'm trying to ensure that all the food that goes into my body is giving me as much goodness as possible. Processed foods are out, whole grains are in. With this in mind it's been especially important to be organised with the food I have in the house in order to minimise the amount of times I just say sod it and order a take away!* 

A few things that need to be done ahead to help with the below ideas/mini recipes. 

I try to soak all my grains overnight to aid in digestion (there are some exceptions to this). I'll soak and cook a big batch when I'm feeling good, then freeze it in individual portions.

I'm also making homemade stock for the first time in my life. I've always known that chicken soup is Jewish penicillin and stock is essentially the same thing. It's packed full of goodies like readily available amino acids and calcium and it's stupidly easy for your body to digest. To make this cost efficient I go to the butcher and ask for a bag of chicken carcasses. Mine don't charge you but ask for a donation to charity instead so you are saving money and helping others out, double win! Again I freeze this into small portions to use when I need to - ice cube trays are great for this.

I try to eat mostly sourdough bread (the slow fermentation process is supposed to aid digestion of that tricksy gluten) so I keep a stash of this in the freezer, already sliced and packed in twos or threes. I always have avocados and some kind of greens in the house (often spinach but also rocket, chard, kale, spring greens etc etc). Eggs are basically a meal in themselves so they are also a must. Nuts and seeds add flavour and protein, I'm a fiend for pistachios and sesame seeds. I also always have a stock of fresh herbs, they can add so much vibrancy and flavour to a dish with no extra effort. I'm very happy to see the ones in my patio springing back life! I also always have garlic, ginger in the freezer and lemons or limes (these can also be frozen then popped into the microwave to thaw out before squeezing.)

Phew, that was a longer preamble than I originally intended. So without further ado here is some of my arsenal of spoonie suppers.

Toast

Sourdough toast (remember it's already sliced because you are a domestic superstar!) can be a saviour when the idea of doing anything more than pushing the button on the toaster tires you out. Ideally it's a wholemeal or rye flour too, you know, cos whole grain is always better.

What makes a difference is what you put on top and here's where the avocado comes in! Seriously, if you haven't had avocado on toast you are missing out. 

So here's what you do...

- get bread out of freezer and toast

- cut avocado in half. Take one half and slice it in it's skin. 

- get toast

- scoop out your avo slices with a spoon.

- mash slightly onto toast.

- squeeze a bit of lemon on top, sprinkle with salt and voila! Difficult I know.

That's your basic avocado toast, but don't stop there. I urge you to look further in your fridge. Got some smoked salmon or bacon? Maybe an egg just waiting to be poached? A few fresh herbs and some chillis? Some limp greens just asking to be wilted down with a garlic clove speared onto a fork as a mixing device? What about a few cherry tomatoes, a pinch of cracked black pepper and some basil? Seriously the possibilities are endless and delicious. 

Just a couple of examples of my obsession with avocado toast

Pimped up pesto pasta

Everybody loves pesto pasta. It's a store cupboard favourite. I always have some pesto hiding away somewhere, but if you have an extra spoon or two you can even whip up your own in a couple of minutes. Essentially anything green, plus nuts and cheese whizzed up in a mini chopper or food processor will make a pesto. Garlic, salt and olive oil help it along the way. Kale, pistachio and pecorino? Go for it (it's lovely). Brussels sprout, cheddar and walnut? Why not!

I often find that I am unable to lift a heavy pot or kettle of water, which can be problematic when it comes to making pasta as you can imagine. I'm sure you've heard of it already but instead I'm eating a courgetti a lot of the time and also gets me another tick on the vegetable list. It's just courgettes that have been cut to be in spaghetti like strands. They need steaming or sautéing for just a minute or two and really do work as a grain free alternative to pasta. You can use a peeler or julienne slicer, but the crème de la crème of courgetti makers is a spiralizer (can you tell I'm desperate for one?!) 

Not pesto, but so you can see courgetti. This is why I NEED a spiralizer

Anyway, pesto pasta by itself can be a bit dull. So even of you don't have the spoons to make courgetti or your own pesto you can still pimp it up.

I always add a good handful of greens when I'm mixing in my pesto so they lightly wilt down in the heat of the pasta. I sometimes also add some fresh ones to the bowl to add some crunch. Extra nuts always go down well and add protein. Some chopped up ham (Serrano or Parma are my favourites) can add interest and bulk, as does some diced veggies. Got some red peppers, tomatoes or cucumbers, just throw them in! Of course you could fry off the ham to make it crispy and soften up the veg, but that seems like an unnecessary use of spoons.

This was the kale, pisatchio and pecorino pesto

Noodle soup 

Because you a superstar you have got homemade stock in the freezer. This means you just a few bubbling minutes away from a wonder food.

Defrost your stock and get it simmering.

Chop up any veggies you want in there. To go Jewish style add some slices of carrot and half a parsnip to sweeten the stock. Some salt pepper and maybe some dill and parsley stalks if you've got them. Simmer until carrots are cooked, topping up with water as needed before adding your choice of noodle. You can use courgetti (or even carrots) instead of wheat noodles. Take the parsnip out before eating. I usually add a handful of greens at the end of cooking though this is not at all traditional. If you have leftover chicken that obviously goes in, or even a breast/thigh/wing/drumstick - just make sure it's cooked through before shredding.

Chicken soup with kneidlach (mazta balls) and lochschen (noodles)

Or why not go ramen style? Simmer with aromatics like garlic, ginger and chilli. Throw in some soy sauce or tamari, mushrooms, beansprouts, spinach and coriander and you are set. Soba noodles are another great (and actually authentic!) alternative to wheat. Slurp and enjoy! 

Baked sweet potatoes

This takes a little bit of planning as the potato does take a while to cook, but you can be watching Netflix the whole time so it doesn't take any energy.

Wash and scrub the potato clean. Prick it a few times and pop it in the oven (180, of course) until it's cooked! Timing will depend on the size of the potato but an hour is usually a good guess. For an extra crispy skin rub it with some fat that can take high temperatures and sprinkle with sea salt.

A dollop of yoghurt or sour cream on top maybe with some chopped fresh herbs is a pretty good start here but I like mine with tuna and sweet corn as well. Once again though, anything goes. Bacon, cheese, roasted veg, chilli. Whatever you like on a normal baked potato will work here too. 

Eggs

Eggs are a meal in themselves, literally the food of life. When I'm really out of spoons I'll pimp up scrambled eggs with whatever I've got in the fridge. Again you can sneak a good handful of wilted greens in there or some chopped up veggies quickly fried off first. I love adding fresh chopped herbs. An omelette feels more substantial with little more effort but the epitome of eggs is (in my humble opinion at least) poached. On top of avocado on sourdough (and smoked salmon if you are being really indulgent!) with an oozy centre and some freshly cracked black paper is my idea of heaven! 

Rice or grain bowl

Sometimes I find my body is just craving a bowl full of colourful veggies but there's no way I'm spending hours on an Ottolenghi style recipe. This is where my frozen grains come in. I'll defrost/reheat a portion of grains and steam a selection of whatever veg I have in the fridge. 

If I have a dip or sauce of some kind leftover I'll use that otherwise I'll make one up. Yoghurt and some fresh herbs and lemon makes a regular appearance as does a soy and honey teriyaki-esque sauce. Once veg and grains are cooked they all go into a bowl with any salad bits I want. Sprinkled with toasted seeds or nuts and dipped or splashed with sauce, I think it's delicious and I get to feel virtuous at the same time!

So there you have it. A selection of my easy go-to meals.

I'd love to hear what you think of these ideas and what your go-to spoonie suppers are, please post in the comments or get in touch on twitter.

* I can't allow myself to post this without a mention to my other spoonie saviour. When I really do not have the spoons to cook and the boy cannot be persuaded to do so either, we've exhausted our stash of freezer goodies and neither of us is leaving the house, we have a new favourite. Recently Deliveroo has started up in Brighton and it's honestly the best (and worst) thing ever. It delivers food from restaurants in town that wouldn't otherwise do either take away and delivery and means we can get some of our favourite food when I can't even get out of the house! In sure London has had this for ages and it's certainly not the first service to do it in brighton, but the only place that did this before charged around £5 on top of food for delivery. Unfortunately I just can't justify that expense. On the other than deliveroo's charge of £2.50 is so much more reasonable. It's a little bit embarrassing how much we have ordered through them but I did recently win a £50 voucher and spent it all on sushi and it was amazing! 

A selection of the food we've had from Deliveroo recently. I love that it always comes packaged so much more nicely than a standard takeaway!

Please excuse spelling and crappy photos, it was all put together on my phone!

Learning to take control

I'm currently sat in my patio in the sunshine*, getting very excited about the arrival of spring. I really don't think there is any better therapy than a good dose of vitamin D, everything seems easier to cope with when the sun is shining. 

I find winter very difficult. Historically it has been the period of time where I have (for want of a better phrase) lost it. Christmas has for years been synonymous with a flare up and the feeling of losing my mind, so it's been pretty fucking amazing that this (last) year that didn't happen. In fact I've been on a very even keel the whole of winter. 

For years people have told me that I need to take control of my life, and not allow my illness to do so. I've found this a very difficult pill to swallow. I could not understand how I was supposed to have any semblance of control of a body that had a mind of its own. I didn't know how I would feel from one day to the next. I couldn't make plans because I'd have to cancel two out of three and nobody knew what was wrong with me. I saw countless therapists and doctors (including the wonderful osteopath who originally noticed my quite extreme hyper mobility). We thought I would get better, I was just waiting to be able to start my life again. That was, until my diagnosis.

I think I am finally understanding what it is to take control of my life, warts and all. I don't think I could do this before my diagnosis. When I thought that I could get better and never have to worry about things again, my focus was on the end goal. I had the idea that if I could just work hard enough, all would be sorted and I could go back to being me, pick up where I left off.

Diagnosis has thwarted that hope that I will magically get better. At first I felt like I'd be handed a life sentence. I'd known for a while that I was probably never going to fully recover, but it's quite a different thing having that confirmed by a specialist, partcilarly when you find out that your condition is a whole lot scarier than you ever realised it could be. Over the next year or so I can now look back and appreciate that I was going through the stages of grief. I cried many (many!) tears for the life I would never lead (it still chokes me up thinking about it) and I found it very difficult to accept that my life was going to be extra tough because of something so outside if my control. 

But diagnosis also came with some benefits. I could finally educate myself and start to understand what was happening in my body.  I was able to get more help. I got a blue badge and a new car through the motability scheme. I now see an occupational therpist and have a wheelchair. Each little step helped me to feel closer and closer to being in control.

The final stage of mourning is acceptance and I think I've finally reached it. What I never realised before was that until I could truly accept my fate/condition, I would never be able to take control of things.

So what does control look like to me? It looks like my cleaner and my pilates instructor who come to me once a week. It's reaching out when I feel panicked and opening up to people in my life about what's going on. It's having a flare up (as I had in February) and not losing my shit. It's changing my diet (that's a whole other post) and it's buying myself decent clothes. It's even doing my tax return on time!

I appreciate that none of these things are very big, but to me, they are everything. 

It's funny because I'm not really any "better", in fact this most recent flare up was particularly terrifying. I couldn't leave the house for a week, my hip subluxed and I couldn't put weight on it at all and my kneecap dislocated (it's a very strange thing to see your kneecap in completely the wrong place, and even stranger to be able to manipulate it back). I was going to write a post all about the flare up but I realised that I didn't need to. What it's taught me is that I'm learning to cope with these things, it actually showed me just how far I'd come. I guess what I've learnt is that I don't need to have control of my body to have control of my life. I'm never going to know whether tomorrow I will have a dislocated kneecap, but what I can know is that my home is clean, my fridge is full and I'm doing everything I can to make my life better

If 2014 was the year I learnt acceptance, I think 2015 is the year I will learn to take control, one task at a time.

* for full disclosure I was sat in the sunshine when I first started writing this, but that was a couple of days ago now and it's late at night when I am finally publishing this post! 

Proper Hot Chocolate

I'm not really one for hot drinks. I can't stand tea or coffee and I'm not a fan of the herbal kinds either. One thing I have always loved though, is hot chocolate. I remember getting it from the machine in school purely to sip the precious foam off the top of the otherwise watery and quite rank brown liquid below. As I grew older I'm thankful to say my tastes refined somewhat! I moved on from drinking chocolate to cocoa, perfecting my frothing technique on the many many instruments we bought for the job! I still think the best one was actually pretty much like a cafetierre. It would make the thickest and creamiest foam, but was a bloody mission to pump! 

However there was nothing quite like trying my first proper hot chocolate. I was travelling around the world on my gap year (yes I can hear the groans!) and was in Queenstown, New Zealand. There was this cafe that served up mugs of what seemed like pure molten chocolate. It was divine! Thick and creamy, rich and full of chocolate flavour with hints of cinnamon and not at all sickly or sweet. 

I have been on a mission to recreate this experience ever since and I think I have just done it! It's been ages since I posted a recipe on the blog so I this seemed like a perfect mini recipe to get me going again.

I added mini marshmallows to mine but otherwise it's all natural and no added refined sugar . There are loads of studies that suggest dark chocolate containing at least 70% cocoa solids actually has many beneficial properties. It contains flavinols that are shown to have antioxidant and anti inflammatory properties and studies suggest it has a beneficial effect on cholesterol. So you could basically say this is a health drink! *

I find the easiest way to get good froth is to use a hand blender at the very end. Works really well and the forth is thick enough to hold up to being poured into a mug.

A note about ingredients. With so few ingredients it is worth using the best quality you can. I try to use organic milk all the time, the amount of hormones and antibiotics pumped into cows is horrifying and it comes to us straight through their milk. To get any beneficial properties of chocolate you need to go for a high quality one with at least 70% cocoa solids (good chocolate will say this on the packet). I use cinammon sticks but ground is fine, add it at the end to your taste starting with a pinch. You could use honey instead of maple syrup to sweeten, but it will alter the taste. Start with a small amount (1/2 a teaspoon) and taste before adding any more.

Ingredients 

Just under a mug full of milk (I used semi skimmed but for a fully luxurious drink use whole and/or a dash of cream)

50 g dark chocolate 

Small cinammon stick

1-2 teaspoon maple syrup (optional depending on how sweet a tooth you have)

A pinch of sea salt

Chop your chocolate up into little pieces or grate it.

Add about 1/4 of the milk to a small pan. If it doesn't cover the bottom then add a splash more (although your pan may be a bit big!) Add the cinnamon stick and heat gently until it is steaming, then take it off the flame. 

Add the chopped chocolate and stir until it has melted. 

Slowly pour in the rest of the milk stirring as you go and put the pan back on the heat. Heat until steaming but not boiling, turn off the flame. 

Add a pinch of sea salt (you can't taste it but it really lifts the chocolate flavour) and taste. If you wish, add a a teaspoon or two of maple syrup, but the drink shouldn't be too sweet. 

Remove the cinnamon stick and froth using a hand blender. Pour into your mug and if you are being naughty (like me!) top with a few mini marshmallows. 

Voila! Luxurious hot chocolate! 

*Disclaimer: I don't profess to this being any kind of health drink!

Anxiety

You take away my confidence in myself. You make me believe I can't so fervently that I actually can't. You are a physical being, a monster inside of my head and my chest and my legs. You stop me from breathing and you make my eyes continually leak. You jumble up my mind so that my thoughts come out backwards and upside down and incoherent and you turn me into a blubbery mess. You stop me from going outside. You stop me from opening the front or answering the telephone. You make me want to cut myself and you tell me that I'm useless. You tell me I am weak.

But I am not. 

I am strong.

I am strong because I have fought you for so many years. I am strong because with you on my back my load to bear is so much more than it ever was before and I am still here. I am still going. I am strong because you have made me open up to my friends and my family and the world and I know I don't have to fight this alone. And I CAN fight you.

With every inch of my being I will fight you.

You will not beat me.

The Start of a New Year

I think when I look back at the past year I’ll say it’s the year I really learnt to accept my disability. Finally understanding what is going on has made a massive difference, and I feel like I finally am being taken seriously by the medical community. Although this year has been full of medical annoyances, I think I’ve learnt that I’ll pretty much hate any hospital appointment. Last week I went to see a dermatologist about something completely unrelated to EDS or POTS, and as with all of my appointments about the chronic stuff, it was one of the most impersonal and unfriendly experiences. She didn’t smile, introduce herself or generally have any bedside manner whatsoever. Mr Spoonie Foodie was absolutely dumbfounded by it, but I‘ve learnt such is the way with most specialist consultants and get less angry every time I experience it. I’ve started to accept my limitations, now that’s not to say I’m not going to fight them and try and get better, but it seems I am finally learning to live within my capabilities. Deciding to use the wheelchair will probably go down as one of the biggest things I did to help myself, I thought it would feel like defeat but instead it has been totally and utterly freeing.

2014 will also go down as the first year I decided to not go out for New Years, not through illness, but because I knew it would be the wrong thing for my body. We had plans to go to a night at a local pub with friends, but the more I thought about it the less I wanted to go. I woke up on new years eve and decided I didn’t want to start another year with a week in bed feeling dreadful and emotionally raw. Instead I made an absolute feast for one of our best friends and his girlfriend, and wished them farewell when they went off. I had a glass of prosecco and went to bed. It was fantastic! (It wasn’t so fantastic when I was woken up by a very drunk Mr SF at 5.30 am, but we’ll just brush past that). I’m certainly not saying I’ll never go on a big night out again, but I’ve been feeling so good recently I didn’t want to ruin it on what is just another night out.

So, what do I hope 2015 holds for me? To be honest I don’t know, and I’m ok with that. I’m definitely not one for making resolutions, but I do have some aims. I’m starting the year with the strongest frame of mind I’ve had in a long time. I’m eager to do more, and would love to start regular work again, but I’m also aware of not doing too much and pushing myself backwards again. I want to do some studying, as I mentioned before I’m really interested in nutritional science and there’s loads of other stuff out there to keep my mind occupied. I’ve also decided to give myself a Christmukkah present this year of private Pilates classes. I’ve contacted a recommended instructor and am waiting to hear back and I'd like to post more regularly on the blog, particularly more recipes. But most of all for 2015 I just want to stay feeling ok. I’ve had one of the nicest Christmases that I can remember. It’s been a constant stream of family and friends, which although has made me anxious at times, has just reminded me just how good I have it. I recently got to meet my new nephew, and there’s a strangely nice feeling about the fact that the next generation of the family has been born. Yes, things in my life could be better but I’m feeling pretty content at the moment. I have friends, a beautiful home, a loving partner and a fabulous family, plus I cook really good food! 

Why?

I recently realised that I have never really explained the ‘why’ behind the blog. Yes, I've told you I love cooking and what my conditions that make me a spoonie are, but I've never explained why I think they belong in a blog together. I think I’m going to try and do that now!

Food and health are inextricably linked. For starters food is how we get energy, not only to have the energy to go out to the shops but also it gives our bodies the building blocks to function right down to a cellular level. I’m not even close to being an expert on nutritional science but it is something I am fascinated in learning more about. So we need to eat in order to survive and not only that but we need to eat the right things in order to function properly.

But that is not the why behind this blog, there are plenty of places out there that offer this kind of information, in fact what got me more interested was hearing about Nutritiously Natasha, so if you are interested in a food as medicine/nutritional science side of things it is definitely worth giving her blog a read.

For me, there’s a different connection. The food I am eating and cooking is very indicative of my current health. On a physical level, when I am in too much pain to really move, carrying pots and pans, chopping and just the act of thinking up a meal to cook can be quite simply beyond my capabilities. Even on a relatively good day I have to be aware of things like the weight of pans and I wear wrist supports to help stabilise my wrist and thumb. Then of course there is the complexity of a meal, when I am so tired I can’t think straight I’m not going to be making a feast. You are more likely to find me eating a sandwich or pasta and pesto (if I can carry the kettle). On a mental level, depression has a huge effect on your appetite. When I've been unable to get out the house for a while and I've been barely able to cook for myself it starts getting me pretty down, so even the desire to eat can just disappear.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! Cooking isn't just affected by my mental state, it also affects my mental state. When I’m feeling down and I don’t feel like doing anything, actually cooking something and enjoying it has a hugely positive impact on my state of mind. Cooking good food doesn't just feed the body, it feeds your soul. I don’t mean any kind of religious or even philosophical concept here, just that internal warmth that a really good meal can give you. And then you've achieved something! It’s amazing how when I’m feeling down and have no motivation, just starting something is the hardest part. Because once you've started, and then done, it gives you motivation to do more, and suddenly you haven’t just been a total waste a space but a goddamn superhero! And when that doing also includes creating a delicious and nourishing meal for yourself (and maybe others) what can be better?

As my last couple of posts have explained, I’ve been going through a bad patch recently. It’s funny though, after a couple of weeks in bed recovering from my last hospital appointment I seem to have suddenly woken up and started to feel OK. And every day since I have pretty much been OK. It’s not like I’m not experiencing any pain or fatigue or anything, but it’s manageable. My anxiety levels have been minimal and again, manageable and I’m not sure why but I really do feel like I’m doing and handling things OK.  And do you know what else? I’ve been eating fantastic food!

My amazing lunch at Silo Brighton. If you live down here you MUST go! 

Clockwise from top left: Indulgent (hungover) fry up at seven bees cafe, kemptown. Gluten free chocolate cake made by yours truly, a go to easy dinner, prawns with chilli, garlic, slow roasted tomatoes and lots of wilted leaves and lunch at Artisan Cafe (one of my new favourite places)

I just need to find my mojo

So...it’s been a while (she says emerging out of her pit).

I've actually sat down to write quite a few times. I've got about 4 half written posts sitting on my computer, but none of them felt quite right.

I have been feeling a bit guilty about leaving the last post a massive rant, but then I also have to learn not to berate myself over things like that. I needed to write that post, it did me good, so the last thing I should do is tell myself off about it (easier to say than do!)

You might have guessed from my absence, but I've not been doing so well recently.It’s funny isn't it, ones head. It seems to take very little to completely knock me off course.

So, what’s happened? Well, as you know (because I didn't shut up about it beforehand) I went on holiday over the summer and it was wonderful! Taking the wheelchair was by far the best decision we could have made. I got to do so much! But unfortunately we had an incident 4 days before the end and I think that is where this funk originated from (though not wholly, but it must have been the trigger). Long story short my luggage got lost for a day. We’d just spent about 3 hours on a bus and I was feeling pretty rotten anyway and we needed to go and spend about 2 hours on a ferry after that, so I didn't exactly have any reserve spoons in my arsenal. Luckily the luggage did get returned to me but it meant a 4 hour delay in a busy and hot city of Split. I know to most people this wouldn't really be a problem. Go shopping, go for a wander etc, but this totally knocked me for six. I had no energy for shopping and my mind was consumed with the panic of losing something and the horror of having to drag myself around a shopping center to replace everything. It kind of spoilt the rest of the holiday to be honest. I was anxious and didn't sleep properly and I was in too much pain to really appreciate things.

I thought that would be that, get home from holiday and push on. But ever since I've been back I've been in a slump.

I let it go for a while, I wasn't massively down or depressed. I was still taking enjoyment out of life and friends, I wasn't crying all the time. I thought I was coping.

Then I went to see my therapist.

I should have known it was coming. All the signs were there. I wasn't crying all the time but I was totally and utterly flat. I wasn't really cooking, or writing, or baking. I wasn't bothered about seeing my friends, or ‘doing’. I just was.  There were definitely other contributing factors to this slump. My car finally died, so I am definitely feeling a bit stranded in general, and I had that awful assessment for the rehab clinic. I also had my assessment for PIP in September, which was definitely making me nervous and I just attributed my flat mood to all of these things along with the change of season.

But then I heard from the rehab clinic. I couldn't quite believe it but they are actually giving me a shot! In fact, I think they are doing the most sensible thing possible and I am going in for only one week as an assessment/test. We will see how I cope with the timetable and hospital setting etc, before possibly going on to do a full three week course in the future. I really couldn't have asked for more. They are also putting me in the (only) two bed ward, so hopefully that will be easier than having to sleep with 7 other people in the room. I couldn't have really asked for more. The assessment was a horrible experience, but at least they haven’t just totally written me off/rejected me.

And then a few weeks later I heard the decision on PIP. It was (and I still can’t quite believe it) good news! I actually had a really positive experience in my Atos assessment (SHOCK SHOCK HORROR HORROR) and I've been awarded PIP with no appeal, which I thought that was almost unheard of for an invisible and variable condition. Now I've got it I can get a new car, and I've hired a cleaner and even bought a hoover!

But even though the things that I thought were contributing to the feeling were getting sorted, I was still feeling flat.

So, back to my therapist’s office. Have you guessed that I had a total meltdown?

I love my therapist, he asked me what my instinct was and my answer was to run away. Oh god how I wish I could just hop on a plane and fly somewhere hot and go and run away from everything. And his advice? Do it! But on a smaller scale to my grand ideas of leaving everything behind, and so two weeks ago I ran away for 3 days to a health retreat in Surrey. I had three days of absolute peace, I didn't have to think about anything. All meals were provided, I swam, I steamed and saunaed (totally a word) and had various treatments. I definitely got head space. And now I’m back.

If i’m honest, it didn't really do what I wanted it to. It was amazing and my skin is better for the facial and my body is better from the massage and exercise I got, but my head still doesn't feel screwed on right.

I've been massively anxious recently, having panic attacks much more often than normal and over very little. But I have got more things sorted. I have got a new car through the Motability scheme which will arrive in December, and I've been trying to keep on top of things like paperwork. I've got a cleaner to help with the house, and I even went out last weekend without Mr SF and with my wheelchair, and my friends were (of course) just amazing about it.

That’s about it really. I do feel better than when I had a meltdown in the therapist’s office, but I’m definitely still not right. So please, bear with me whilst I struggle a bit, I just need to find my mojo.