Proper Hot Chocolate

I'm not really one for hot drinks. I can't stand tea or coffee and I'm not a fan of the herbal kinds either. One thing I have always loved though, is hot chocolate. I remember getting it from the machine in school purely to sip the precious foam off the top of the otherwise watery and quite rank brown liquid below. As I grew older I'm thankful to say my tastes refined somewhat! I moved on from drinking chocolate to cocoa, perfecting my frothing technique on the many many instruments we bought for the job! I still think the best one was actually pretty much like a cafetierre. It would make the thickest and creamiest foam, but was a bloody mission to pump! 

However there was nothing quite like trying my first proper hot chocolate. I was travelling around the world on my gap year (yes I can hear the groans!) and was in Queenstown, New Zealand. There was this cafe that served up mugs of what seemed like pure molten chocolate. It was divine! Thick and creamy, rich and full of chocolate flavour with hints of cinnamon and not at all sickly or sweet. 

I have been on a mission to recreate this experience ever since and I think I have just done it! It's been ages since I posted a recipe on the blog so I this seemed like a perfect mini recipe to get me going again.

I added mini marshmallows to mine but otherwise it's all natural and no added refined sugar . There are loads of studies that suggest dark chocolate containing at least 70% cocoa solids actually has many beneficial properties. It contains flavinols that are shown to have antioxidant and anti inflammatory properties and studies suggest it has a beneficial effect on cholesterol. So you could basically say this is a health drink! *

I find the easiest way to get good froth is to use a hand blender at the very end. Works really well and the forth is thick enough to hold up to being poured into a mug.

A note about ingredients. With so few ingredients it is worth using the best quality you can. I try to use organic milk all the time, the amount of hormones and antibiotics pumped into cows is horrifying and it comes to us straight through their milk. To get any beneficial properties of chocolate you need to go for a high quality one with at least 70% cocoa solids (good chocolate will say this on the packet). I use cinammon sticks but ground is fine, add it at the end to your taste starting with a pinch. You could use honey instead of maple syrup to sweeten, but it will alter the taste. Start with a small amount (1/2 a teaspoon) and taste before adding any more.

Ingredients 

Just under a mug full of milk (I used semi skimmed but for a fully luxurious drink use whole and/or a dash of cream)

50 g dark chocolate 

Small cinammon stick

1-2 teaspoon maple syrup (optional depending on how sweet a tooth you have)

A pinch of sea salt

Chop your chocolate up into little pieces or grate it.

Add about 1/4 of the milk to a small pan. If it doesn't cover the bottom then add a splash more (although your pan may be a bit big!) Add the cinnamon stick and heat gently until it is steaming, then take it off the flame. 

Add the chopped chocolate and stir until it has melted. 

Slowly pour in the rest of the milk stirring as you go and put the pan back on the heat. Heat until steaming but not boiling, turn off the flame. 

Add a pinch of sea salt (you can't taste it but it really lifts the chocolate flavour) and taste. If you wish, add a a teaspoon or two of maple syrup, but the drink shouldn't be too sweet. 

Remove the cinnamon stick and froth using a hand blender. Pour into your mug and if you are being naughty (like me!) top with a few mini marshmallows. 

Voila! Luxurious hot chocolate! 

*Disclaimer: I don't profess to this being any kind of health drink!

FOMO and a not-very-summery shepherds pie

**This was written on Saturday morning but then I got whisked off to the beach with Mr SF and our lovely friends after they saw the parade, then I got distracted so it's only being published today! **

I’m a little bit fed up this morning. Ok, so I’m generally not a morning person and am rarely exactly jumping for joy, but this morning it is for a different reason. Today is Brighton Pride. It is, as you can imagine for the most gay-friendly town in England, one of the highlights of the calendar. There’s a huge parade and city-wide parties and events. Everything is covered in rainbows and people are very much in the party spirit. It is a whole day affair with the parade kicking off the celebrations in the morning, with a festival type event in Preston Park and a street party in Kemptown, it doesn’t finish until the last reveller finally leaves. So far since living in Brighton I haven’t been able to go to the parade, quite simply I can’t stand up that long and the idea of being packed in a huge crowd that is just standing there waiting to watch something and relying on my legs fills me with unease. And so this morning I said goodbye to Mr Spoonie Foodie as he went off to do something that once again, I just can’t join in with.

People often talk about their fear of missing out. FOMO is an acronym well used on the internet; people have FOMO about a night out, or a birthday party or perhaps a gig. I don’t think I am alone in saying as a spoonie, I have FOMO on life.

Now I don’t mean to sound too depressed and down. I’m actually feeling pretty happy at the moment. I’m coming to terms with my illness(es) and know that things are moving (albeit very slowly) towards more treatment and help. Mr Spoonie Foodie has now moved in and after an initial 4 or 5 days of him rushing around sorting things whilst I felt uneasy and weird, we are settling into a really nice living situation. I have lovely friends (although too many of them leave Brighton for the big bad smoke) and as I have said before I have an amazingly supportive family. I’ve also got an amazing summer lined up for the first time in three years and I’m so excited. Mr Spoonie Foodie is a teacher so although term time is fraught, he does get the bonus of having a wonderfully long summer holiday. We’ve got a friend visiting for a week who currently lives in Taiwan and we’ve got a 2 week holiday to Croatia booked. With him to help, the flat is much easier to manage and I’m loving having somebody to cook for. So I’m really not at all miserable at the moment, but on days like this my FOMO becomes reality and I’m reminded of all the things I haven’t (yet) been able to achieve.

So, I’ve been thinking and I think I’m going to get a wheelchair. This is something I’ve been considering for a while, but I just haven’t wanted to. I definitely have in my head the idea that if you can walk, you should try not to use a wheelchair (I’m not saying this is right, obviously it’s not, it’s just amazing how strong a role societal pressure, stigma and stereotype can play in your life), and I can walk...just not every day, or very far, or comfortably, or without possible future repercussions. But a wheelchair has always scared me. I worry I would get too dependent on it, become lazy and, without meaning to sound too shallow, I’m rather scared of getting fat. However, I am starting to see how a wheelchair would be so enabling. In a wheelchair, I could go and see the parade because I wouldn’t have to worry about having to stand up for too long. I could go to day trips without worrying about my energy going on just getting myself around and Mr SF and I could actually ‘walk’ along the seafront once again (well, parts of it at least!) I’m scared. I’m scared because I’m worried somebody will judge me when I get out of it to look at something or go into a shop. I’m scared that I’ll feel different and that people will treat me differently, but when I think of what a wheelchair might let me do, those fears just pale in comparison.

Illness (be it mental or physical) can make your world very small, it is time to expand mine again!

I wasn’t going to post about all this stuff, what I actually wanted to tell you about was my shepherd’s pie I made last night. Oh my! I had leftover meat from a slow roasted leg of lamb and despite it being summer and really not the time to eat shepherd’s pie, I really couldn’t resist. This is a fabulous recipe to use up your leftovers as you can also use any leftover cooked veg, adding them in at the end with the broadbeans and even turn your roasties into mash for the topping if you have any spare.

I didn’t exactly measure or weigh everything particularly carefully, but here’s how it went...

I had a leg of lamb that I roasted, this weighed about 2 kg. 3 people ate that roast, but two of them were Mr SF and a male friend so we can probably count that as 4 people’s worth of meat. The shepherds pie feeds at least 4 people and is filling heavy. With a couple of side dishes you could easily stretch that to five or six people, just don’t let Mr SF serve himself (he ate HALF this shepherds pie, wondering why he could barely move afterwards). If you have less meat it is really not a problem as you can just add more veg, some lentils would work very well to bulk it up if you needed to. Just add more liquid and simmer them until cooked along with the meat.  The broad beans go really nicely with the lamb but the only reason I used them is because I have been getting organic boxes recently on a half price deal and I have been INUNDATED with the buggers! This was my last lot to use up though (and I’m going to request no more thank you very much!)

Ingredients

Leftover roast lamb(about 750g)

Large onion

Carrot

2 cloves garlic

3 large (ripe) tomatoes (or you could use a tin or peeled plum tomatoes)

1 teaspoon sugar

Handful of broad beans

Approx 300ml chicken stock

A good handful of fresh herbs – I use what I have in the patio which is sage, tarragon, rosemary, parsley, oregano and basil. Some dried ones would be fine here too, just add them with the stock. 

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

3 large baking potatoes

1 sweet potato

Butter

Dice the onions and carrots. Pod the broad beans by splitting open their cases and popping out the beans.

Get a pan of water on a rolling boil and add the broad beans, cooking them for 2 minutes before dunking in iced water or running under a cold tap until they are no longer warm. I like to take their greyish skins off and they should just pop out of them once they’ve been in the water, though sometimes they need a little encouragement with a fingernail. I also halved/quartered them but this really isn’t necessary.

On a low heat, sweat the onions for about 5 minutes until beginning to soften. Once they start to go a bit translucent, add the carrots and garlic. Cook for another 10 minutes until the carrots are softened, stirring to ensure nothing burns.

Add the tomatoes and sugar (this just takes away any back-of-the-mouth-tang some tomatoes can have) and turn up the heat to medium-low. Cook until the tomatoes start to break down (about 5 minutes) before adding the lamb (plus the fat/juices that have congealed onto the plate, not pretty I know, but by gum is it tasty!) and the stock – you need the liquid to come about ¾ way up the lamb.

Simmer this mixture gently for about 20 minutes until the meat has softened and is easily broken apart with your wooden spoon. This process may take longer depending on how tough your meat was to start with, but fear not because this should revive any tough old soul. Add extra liquid if it starts to dry out. The mixture is ready when the liquid has thickened and sticks to the meat and the meat is fall-apart tender. Break up the meat into bite size pieces with your spoon. Add your chopped herbs and broad beans, stir well and taste for seasoning, adding salt/pepper if necessary. It was difficult not to eat it all at this point and would make an amazing alternative meaty sauce for pasta.

Whilst that is simmering, peel and cut up your potatoes (sweet and non). Add them to separate pans and cover with cold water. Bring to the boil and cook until tender (10-15 minutes). Drain and let steam for a minute or two before mashing with LOTS of butter (I used about 50g in all), salt and pepper.

Assemble your pie. Make patterns with your fork not just because it is pretty and fun, but also because the uneven surface will ensure more crunchy brown bits (and we all know those are the best). If you fancy, cover the potato with grated cheese. Then pop it in the oven at 180 for 30-40 minutes until the top is golden and crispy and the sauce is bubbling.

A delicious homely dinner, not the prettiest but nobody will care.

Comfort Zones

Mental illness sucks. It eats away at you without you realising. It takes away your desire to push yourself and makes you want to stay within your safe little cocoon you have unknowingly created. And it seems unbelievable that this can happen without your knowledge, but you make excuses for not going out or seeing someone, you tell yourself it’s ok this time. And maybe that time it is ok, because you are in pain or have a fever. But it’s not ok when you haven’t left your house for a week. And it’s not ok that you get anxious before answering the phone. And it is not ok that I couldn’t get on the train to go to London today.

My grandmother is sick. She has cancer, of multiple organs. Then her hip broke when she was walking around her flat and she had a heart attack whilst having the operation to fix it. So all in all, she’s pretty fucking sick. And all I had to do was get from my house to the station, get on a train and see her in hospital. It also happened to be my mum’s birthday today and it just seemed an appropriate time. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t even leave my house. I didn’t feel that physically unwell today, but once I got out the shower I suddenly felt really exhausted, which then sparked off the thought that what on earth would I do if I felt like that in the middle of Victoria Station? What if I fainted? Or had a panic attack? What if there was nowhere to sit? What if I couldn’t get myself around? Or if I struggled with the stairs*? I’m terrified of the idea of being stranded. And then the whole idea of London was just too much. I often find it quite difficult being in crowded and noisy places, I find it quite tiring just trying to focus on my task and blocking out the visual and audio stimuli. So I didn’t go. And on one level I don’t feel that bad about it and I tell myself it is ok, but it feels like somewhere deep inside of me that old ‘me’ is screaming that THIS IS NOT OK!

My doctor says that this is the sort of thing that the rehabilitation clinic can really help me with. This is a three week residential pain management program where you work with an interdisciplinary team of physio-, occupational, phsycho- and many more types of therapists to improve the quality of your life. However, unsurprisingly there is a high demand and low availability for this service on the NHS and I have been parked on a stationary waiting list since August. I only recently found out that the waiting has actually been closed since I was put on it as it was longer than the 25 week maximum. So I’m in limbo.

I feel ok. That is, I feel absolutely fine so long as I don’t think about ‘things’. You know... life... money...career... those kind of minor things. And so long as I don’t try and do anything that is too far outside my comfort zone, like get a train to London. Both my doctor and my therapist say that’s not so ok, but I think that it’s so much better than when I was just crying all the time we’ve got to take our victories where we can! I’ve been having a really nice week or so. I’ve seen Mr SF and had a couple of friends over for afternoons/evenings of chatting, cooking and eating (and sometimes watching giant panda cam!)Today I have FINALLY updated the blog (and in case you wonder why I've posted twice in one day, I've had a few posts half finished including the lemon cake for the past week or so, but have been distracted by various things. So expect a few more in quick succession if things go as planned) I guess I don’t think it is such a bad thing to live within my comfort zone, but I do think it’s pretty shitty I didn’t make it up to London today. I’m hoping to get there tomorrow because I want to see my Grandma and I’ve made a little something for my mother’s birthday.

As she hasn’t yet received it I don’t want to give it away, but I’ll give you a component and a little recipe.

Salted Caramel Sauce

I cannot get enough of this stuff. The sticky sweetness contrasts so beautifully with the flakes of sea salt. I could eat it with a spoon from the jar...it may have occurred once or twice before... Also I tried to take a photograph of the process and managed to burn my caramel - don’t take your eye of it for a second!

200g sugar

90g unsalted butter** cut into pieces

120ml double cream

1 – 2 teaspoons Maldon sea salt or fleur de sel

Place the sugar in the heavy based saucepan. On a medium heat, stir the sugar until it has melted. Once it has melted take off the heat and stir in the butter until it all melted and fully combined. You might have to stir quite vigorously.

Put it back on a low heat and very slowly, whilst stirring, pour in the cream in a continuous stream until it is all combined. Be careful as the temperature difference between the cream and the caramel will cause it to bubble up and possibly splutter.

Allow to bubble for about a minute before taking off the heat. Stir in ½ a teaspoon of salt and allow to cool slightly. Once somewhat cooler, taste and adjust the salt to as you prefer.

*Mr Spoonie Foodie and I have a great technique to tackle stairs when we are together, particularly the ones coming up from Brighton beach. He goes behind me and lifts/pushes me up from my bum whilst I just move my legs! Still painful but much less effort and it really does work surprisingly well.

** I’ve always been told that salt can hide the taste or poor quality butter, also by using unsalted you can adjust the salt content to your preference. 

A Thank You Cake

It still irritates me that he cut that slice unevenly and that I didn't then correct it!

So the last few weeks, well... my birthday happened. I’m not sure what occurred but after publishing that last blog post and feeling fairly on top of my feelings, I freaked out when I couldn’t sleep because of pain and my head went a little crazy. I find night time a bit scary to be honest (I know I sound like a child but bear with me), well not night time per say but bed time (and yes, the childlike theme continues!) I’ve always had trouble sleeping as far back as I can remember, it has always taken me quite a long time to switch off and relax. I remember waking up with migraines in the middle of the night from when I was quite young before the body pain set in. Now I find it really hard to sleep because once all the lights, noises and distractions are gone, often all I can think about is the pain or discomfort. I have dreams of being in pain and continuously crying. Add to that the fact that waking up and morning time is the worst time for my pain and I rarely wake up actually feeling like I’ve had a full night’s sleep and I think you may understand more why I don’t like going to bed. But anyway, I digress...so my birthday. Well I wasn’t feeling too hot on the day, but Mr Spoonie Foodie had the day off, my parents were coming down and we were going out for lunch so I wanted to have a good day, but there I was...crying. And what’s worse, is I just didn’t know what I was crying about. I kept it together whilst my parents were here and had quite a nice day, but as soon as they went the floodgates opened again. My poor man. However, tears were dried, planet of the apes was watched (a surprisingly good film, but then of course I’d love it – SO MANY FURRIES!) and Mr SF was his wonderful supportive self. And after a very long introduction, that’s actually what this post is about. Luckily that day was just a blip and that feeling hasn’t stayed with me continually, but he has. The blips happen fairly regularly in varying degrees, and I don’t remember the last week where I didn’t cry in his arms at least once. 

It can’t be easy being the significant other to a spoonie and I think it’s even harder for him than most. When they say opposites attract, they must have been talking about us. He is definitely lacking in empathy and is pretty utilitarian in his world view, I’m not being critical or harsh (don’t worry, he shows me love in so many ways so I’m not trying to make him out to be a monster), it is just true. He believes everybody should be a bit more selfish and care much less about other people’s feeling and emotions and then we’d all get on better. So it really is amazing that he has stayed with someone like me. Firstly, I’m very empathetic, to a point of fault. My emotions are very much worn on my sleeve and I am not very (read at all!) good at controlling or hiding them. Secondly I’m ill, both physically and mentally. I have weeks where I can’t leave the house and even on a good day my activity tolerance is very low. You have to have empathy to be able to cope with me in your life, otherwise my cancellations, mood swings and anxiety (I’m sure I could go on) would drive you mad. And yet, here is my un-empathetic, utilitarian man, going against everything he accepts as true to stay with me. He puts up with my mood swings, tears, depression and anger, and (most of the time) pretty quietly. So I decided to make him a cake. And not just any cake, but a miniature cake of lemony goodness topped with more and more citrusy lemon flavour, and something sparkly to show that it’s special. His favourite cake is lemon drizzle cake, but that wasn’t the look I was after, so he’ll just have to deal with this!

The recipe for the cake is based on Nigella Lawson’s  lemon drizzle cake, except instead of baking it in a loaf tin I divided it between two 4.5 inch spring form tins and I left out the drizzle. I also added extra lemon zest to the batter as I wasn’t going to be dousing it in a lemon syrup.

In an ideal world I would sandwich it with cream and lemon curd, but the boy doesn’t like lemon curd, so this would seem to defeat the object, thus it is both filled and covered in lemon Swiss meringue buttercream (SMB). If you haven’t had SMB before then try to imagine the lightest, silkiest, sexiest icing imaginable. And I bet it is better than that. It isn’t nearly as sweet as conventional buttercream, but is lighter and yet so much more indulgent. When I made my sister her engagement cake she made me promise that this icing would be all over her wedding cake! Swiss meringue buttercream requires a few gadgets. You really need to use a sugar thermometer to make the meringue, this will ensure it is safe to eat and also holds properly, and then it requires whisking for about 10 minutes, and that’s using a kitchenaid! If you haven’t made it before, I would highly recommend reading Sweetapolita’s blog post before embarking upon it, I have adapted her recipe for this cake.

And without further ado...let’s get started!

Lemon Cake

125 g unsalted butter
175 g caster sugar
2 large eggs
zest of 1 ½ lemons
175 g self raising flour
pinch of salt
60ml milk

Butter your tins and line the base with greaseproof paper.

Cream together the butter and sugar until very pale and fluffy. At this point it is difficult to over mix it so definitely err on the side of extra mixing. In my kitchenaid this takes about 5 minutes on a medium high speed.

Break the eggs into a bowl or jug with the lemon zest and mix it all up. Add about third mixture into the butter and sugar, and beat until well combined before adding the next third.

Once you’ve added the eggs and mixed it all on high until completely incorporated and the mix is quite thick again, Sift in the flour and add the milk. Fold by hand (or use the lowest speed on a stand mixer) until everything is JUST combined.

Divide mixture between the baking tins and cook in the oven for 25-30 minutes, or until well risen, golden and springs back to the touch (or stick a skewer in, if any mix comes out stuck to it then you know you need to put it back in the oven).

Set aside to cool.

Lemon Swiss Meringue Buttercream

150g egg whites from 4 medium eggs

250g sugar (you can use granulated for this)

340g butter (take it out of the fridge when you start whipping the meringue)

Juice of one lemon

This amount makes more than enough to fill and top the cake, with some left over. It freezes though so that shouldn’t be a problem.

It is definitely worth weighing the eggs as you may have slightly smaller medium eggs than I do. 

You want to make sure the equipment you are using is completely free of grease, to do squeeze some lemon juice onto a piece of kitchen roll and wipe over all the equipment you are going to use

-        Heatproof bowl (the bowl of the mixer is fine)

-        Whisk x 2 (hand and electric)

-        Thermometer

Put an inch of water in a pan and set it on a low heat to simmer (you don’t want it boiling).

Separate your eggs (keep the yolks for ice cream!) and put the whites and sugar into the grease free heatproof bowl. Place this on the pan making sure that the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl.

Whisking the mixture to ensure it doesn’t cook (you definitely don’t want scrambled eggs) heat the whites and sugar mixture until it reaches 71 C (160F). You don’t have to constantly whisk or try to add any air in at this stage, that will be done once it is off the heat, just enough to keep the mixture from cooking. If you don’t have a thermometer you can use the sugar as a guide. At the right temperature you shouldn’t be able to feel any grains of sugar in the mixture.

At 71 C, take the bowl off the heat and put it back on the stand mixer (or just on a heatproof surface if you are using an electric whisk). With the wire whisk, whip the meringue until it is thick and glossy and the bowl is completely cool to the touch. As with all of these things, start slow and build up your speed. I usually start on 2 and gradually build up to the highest speed. This can take up to 10 or 15 minutes, and if you have the glass bowl like I do then it takes even longer for it all to get neutral to the touch.

Once it is thick and glossy and cool you have made Swiss meringue! Congratulations. Treat yourself and have a spoonful of the stuff, it is delicious! Because it was cooked before whipping it up, it is fine to eat. Now, once you’ve finished dancing your little dance of glee, cut the butter up into cubes.

Switch the whisk for the flat beater/paddle attachment and starting on a low speed add the butter in cube by cube. Don’t worry if it looks like it has split or curdled (I’ll refer you once again to Sweetapolita's amazing blog post), just keep going.

Once all the butter is in, turn the speed up a notch and mix until it is completely silky and smooth. Once silky add the lemon juice a tablespoon at a time, tasting as you go, until it is lemony enough.

Home made sprinkles

You might be able to see I added lemon rind to this batch, but I ended up needing so much more that you couldn't tell!

I wanted this to be a perfectly lemon yellow cake. My original plan was to have yellow icing with some details using the sprinkles. Unfortunately, my yellow colours were just not working and were making my icing a ridiculous colour. So I settled on covering the whole thing in a yellow shimmer sugar. I can’t say this adds anything to the flavour, but it does look pretty! I actually ended up using the colour ‘old gold’ instead of my yellow as my yellow was coming out decidedly orange.

Granulated sugar

Yellow food gel colour

Pop some sugar into a ziplock bag. Dip the end of a teaspoon into your colour and then smoosh (shh spell check, that should definitely be a word!) the colour into the sugar. Close the bag and squish and stir everything about inside to distribute the colour. Once it is the colour you want, lay it out on a plate to dry off a bit before using.

Assembly

Once you are ready to do the top, use strips of parchment paper to keep the stand/board clean. You can just slip them out once you are done.

You’ll need 2 cake boards that are the same size or slightly smaller than your cake for this. I tend to use whatever bit of cardboard i have lying around, cut it into shape and then cover with foil/clingfilm.

Trim any domes or bumps of the top of the cakes to give you a flat surface and then cut each one in half. A serrated knife works best for this, I use my bread knife.

Get another bowl. This is to scrape your palette knife on so that you don't get crumbs in the main bowl of icing. DON'T GET CRUMBS IN THE BIG BOWL OF ICING! And now that we've got that over...

Pop a splodge of icing on the cake board and then pop your bottom layer on it. This should actually be the top half of one of the cakes upside down, so that once stacked you end up with the bottom of the cake on the top. Stack and fill the cake as evenly as you can and then cover the cake in a crumb coat. This is just a thin layer of icing that is sticks all the crumbs onto the cake so when you put the actual icing on it stays neat and tidy. Put the cake in the fridge for a minute and reward yourself with a glass of wine and a sit down.

Once the crumb coat has set (touch it and see how hard it is) cover the sides in your final layer of icing (don’t do the top yet). If you are sensible you should really remember to leave extra rim of icing at the top, I didn’t and thus made my life much harder than it needed to be! Back in the fridge it goes to harden up slightly (just 5 or 10 minutes will be enough).

Pour your home made sprinkles (look at you, you domestic goddess, or god, we’re non-discriminatory here) into a baking tray that is long enough and wide enough for you to roll your cake back and forth in.

Place your second board on top of the cake, then lay it on its side in the baking tray and roll back and forth in the sprinkles to cover.

Put it the right way up again and take the board off the top. Splodge (oh i do love that word) some more icing on the top and smooth out. This is where that little rim of icing comes in handy because you can smooth that inwards and not have to fiddle about like i did trying to fill in the edges! Once the top is smooth, guess what? It goes back in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up.

Once hardened slightly, pour the sprinkles over the top, gently brushing/tapping the excess away. And voila! A sparkly lemony cake, fit for a thank you!

Tomorrow I turn twenty six

I know everybody says this, but it definitely feels like I should have things a bit more sorted than I do now. I’m at least supposed to have taken the first tentative steps towards my career or a goal of some kind, aren’t I? It’s not like I have done nothing over the past 8 years (JEEEEZZZ! Has it been that long?), but life has definitely got in the way. I was going to give you a quick run down, but it ended up not being so quick so let’s see if I can really cut it down....

School (ill). Leave and get internship. Go travelling, return unwell. First year of uni, ok. Summer travelling, end up in hospital (also get wisdom teeth out), lots of antibiotics. Start second year, get very ill and have to defer. Move home, try lots of remedies, get a little better. Start second year again, get ill again and defer. Get job, goes ok until I get ill. Have to quit. Get better, go travelling. Return (well!) and start second year (again). Get ill within a month and defer year (again). Get job, goes ok until...I get ill. And that pretty much brings us up to now, where I’ve been significantly unwell since this time last year (I remember because it was the week before my birthday in which I decided I had to quit my job again, what a fun birthday present!).

Some other things have happened too, I’ve loved, been heartbroken and then fallen in love again. I actually moved cities in between the first second year and the second second year. I’ve travelled alone through Vietnam and sat on the roof of one of the highest buildings in Hanoi eating sushi. I’ve taken photographs at fetish parties and food festivals, and of course I’ve set up Charley’s Little Kitchen (a children's cookery school in case you don't know). But as I sit here now, I don’t really feel like I have gotten any further than I was a year ago, or even a few years ago. I’ve learnt a lot, and yes that counts. But in all the ways that society measures success I have achieved nothing. I’m less financially independent now than I have ever  before been in my life. I’m still ‘trying to get better’ when people ask what it is that I do.  In essence, I have nothing to show for myself since I left school. I haven’t even got a degree.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post, it’s starting to sound a bit doom and gloom. I guess it's that society seems to have these ideas for how we are supposed to progress through life. You go to school and get your qualifications. Go to uni and get a degree. Get a job and climb the ladder. Save up and find a wife/husband/non gender defined life partner. Get a house, get a mortgage, have babies... but what happens to those of us that don’t fit in the mold? Who neither get a degree, a job or a husband? What are we supposed to do? I certainly as fuck don’t know, but I made some mighty fine ribs tonight and I think it is a high time for a recipe on the blog...

Barbecue Ribs (that never see a barbecue)

This recipe is more of an art than a science, my measurements are sometimes approximations as I generally go a splodge of this, a splash of that...Also I've recently started using cup measurements because they are just so handy to have, but I've included the ml measurements in case anybody doesn't have 'cups'. 

Pork Ribs (as many as you want to eat, you can always scale up/down the wet ingredients)

½ cup (120ml) soy sauce

¼  cup (60ml) tomato ketchup

2 tablespoons Worcester sauce

¼ (60ml) cup honey

3 tablespoons white wine vinegar

1 clove garlic (smashed to get rid of the skin, but left whole)

1 bay leaf

2 teaspoons (sweet) paprika

1 teaspoon smoked paprika

1 teaspoon cumin

This is a really taxing dish...

Rub the spices onto the pork ribs. This can be done up to a day ahead to really allow the flavours to permeate the meat.

Preheat the oven to 160 C (140 fan) Pour all the liquid ingredients, the bay leaf and the garlic into an ovenproof dish. Ideally one that has a lid (I use a cast iron le creuset style casserole) but this can be improvised.

Place the ribs in the dish and add enough water so that the liquid comes ¾ way up the ribs.  Put the lid on and put them in the oven for 3-4 hours, until the meat is falling away from the bones. Check every hour to make sure they aren’t drying out and give everything a mix around. After two hours, check the seasoning of the sauce. If it is too sweet add more vinegar (for sourness) or soy sauce (for saltiness). If it is too sour/salty, add tomato ketchup and/or honey.

For the last 20 minutes, take the lid off so that the sauce can caramelise and coat the ribs in its sweet and yummy stickiness.

And now it is time for me to go to sleep, because it is already my birthday! I'll also be updating this with pictures of the ribs, but I cannot for the life of me find my connecting cable at the moment...